| heavy, heavy heavy heart. |
[Jan. 4th, 2011|07:13 pm] |
When you think something is one way, to have the truth come out and it become a totally different way is a feeling I was not prepared to feel.
I try so hard to trust people. To give everyone the benefit of the doubt to be forgiving, and to give them the opportunity to understand what the effect of their actions can have so severely on another person.
There's no pretending these two situations can be separate right now, no matter how nice it sounds, that's not how it works and anyone with a child in my position would agree. You cant just ignore the fact that the person you love and have a child with, who when you are connected with so deeply now that this has happened, & when you all three are together the feeling is nothing short of complete satisfaction and perfection, is departing from you and baby and returning to something else that you know yourself can't have now, soon, or probably ever, it's just not something I can't find a way to cope with right now.
My reaction to this isn't that of a "weak" person, or crazy, I'm reacting exactly how any other women in this situation would.
It is pain; Ungodly, awful, consuming pain and disappointment.
I'm not complaining about this for the sheer issue that I don't have the option to have anything casual anymore, and that when I consider sharing intimate time with someone I have to think of it on a much more serious level now that I have a child who I will not bring random guys around in hopes that one of the will be able to fill the place in my heart that's gone.
I just hate myself for not being able to control this feeling and keep it at bay. I'd give anything to make this pain go away, but the only solution is one I cannot entertain.
It's making it impossible for me to want to be around the two pieces of my heart when they are reunited again. I'm so terrified that I wont be able to ever fully heal.
And people can laugh and say whatever about how that's being dramatic, but it's not at all. Do you know how many mothers there are out there that still to this day talk about how they never recovered from losing the person they loved most? how many families had to arrange different options to keep the child in contact with both sides because the mother just couldn't handle seeing how well everything was when they were all together and then knowing she'd never truly have that?
I deserved my chance. This situation has made me into such a different person, I really deserved this shot. What's so bad about me now? Why am I so second best?
I cannot have respect for a person who apologized to me for something then continues to do it, promised me a conversation then wakes up in the arms of the person I love and decides no conversation is needed. Respectable people don't do that. I can't imagine being a person capable of inflicting so much pain onto someone in a situation as serious as this, without even giving them the chance.
I know I don't have control over peoples actions.
But god damn how I wish I could control how badly this is affecting me...I try, but nothing is working. I try to ignore it so that I can preserve my love and respect for this man who I can't help but hold so close to my heart, but it's wearing me down to nothing, so that I can continue to feel the joy I feel when our "family" is all together, but I feel like that's even worse.
Along with all that;
This PPD is really not helping either.
I haven't been able to eat/keep anything down since I left the hospital...I've tried really hard to, but it just isn't working. I've been taking vitamins so that my iron and everything stays up, & I've been drinking tons of naked juice & those little cans of V8 veggie ones to get some nutrients, but it's starting to affect my physical health. I feel so fucking weak.
Between being a wonderful mother to my son [which you fucking bet that I am] and making sure to get up every time he starts to fuss for food, keeping him happy every second, and trying to cope with everything else, I honestly feel like I'm on the verge of breaking down. I've had some issues the last few days with getting really light headed and fainting. Not with Rory of course, but just last night when I was with someone. & I've been running a fever, and so god damn weak I could barely lift him from his bed to feed him last night.
I don't what what's happening. I don't know what to do. Everything was so perfect, I should've known better than to fall into my old heart again.
I keep looking at my son and crying. How can someone so beautiful have come from me? & why does it have to be this way? Why can't anything ever be for him the way I want it to be. More than anything I just want him to have a fulltime papa, one that he can grow up knowing loves him & his mom. So that he'll learn how important that is, and what it's like to be raised in a family, not this bullshit everyone's accepting these days.
One that'll be there everyday with him like I am, so I can share my excitement of all the cute new things he does all day long.
What I want more than anything, is that.
I never realized how important it is until I had it for a moment, then lost it.
It's the worst feeling imaginable.
Either way, he has his 2 week appointment tomorrow, and I have an appointment with valone to see whats wrong with me and if there's an infection inside of me causing me these illness's.
that's all. |
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| i've been having night sweats. |
[Dec. 30th, 2010|09:11 pm] |
I don't know if this is normal to have after pregnancy or anything, but for the last 3 days I've had this bad feeling creeping through me, and it's getting worse and worse.
I don't know what it's from really...I'm trying to pinpoint it. But I just feel consumed by it, to the point where it's making me freak out.
I think about things and then I just start crying.
I don't want to feel this way. I hate it.
Tomorrow is new years eve, and I want to be stoked on it. I should be happy to start a new year off with my son...But I can't stop fucking feeling like this.
I'm not saying I'm unhappy with him, because I'm not at all. He's amazing, I love him so much.
But something is wrong with me.
I had the most real feeling dream the night before last. I woke up and felt so relieved like everything was perfect...But then I realized that the dream was just that, a dream.
If I can find a way to be so happy in my dreams, why can't I have that outside of them?
It shouldn't matter who they involve, it's just the feeling I want.
I think part of the reason I feel so overwhelmed is because I really don't want to go on feeling like this indefinitely.
That is my biggest fear. |
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| Miracle maynneee mon |
[Dec. 27th, 2010|01:55 pm] |
Introducing baby Rory Jude:
Born on Christmas Eve at 3:06pm, 7lbs 12ounces, 20 inches long.
♥
He definitely inherited his daddy's eyes.
Now that I can finally make this confession without feeling guilty, the reason I was freaking out so much the last month of my pregnancy was because I had this fear that I'd have my little Rory, and wouldn't love him enough or like I should because I've really never liked children and they've always scared the shit out of me, and I really can't say I ever wanted one...
But seriously; I could not love anything more than I love my little boy. He's so precious. He never really cries or gets fussy, and when he does it only lasts for about 5-10 minutes...He's already got such a strong neck and really good motor skills, and he's the god damn cutest baby to ever exist.
Every time I look at him I'm so proud. He's Seriously perfect. I hope everyone gets so annoyed with how much I'm going to brag about him being the best baby on the planet.
This definitely has completely changed me.
I love my son.♥ |
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